Been Too Long Coming

What a long strange ride it has been....

I have been wanting to blog for months, years perhaps but life has been getting in the way.

I am back!! With a vengeance.

And nothing is off limits this time.... watch out world, here I come.

Right after I go have breakfast.

hahahaha be back soon.

Last Years New Years Blog January 2009

That time of the year has come when we need to reflect on the past year. Laugh at how poorly we followed last years resolutions and make preposterous new ones that we will quit by sometime in February. I for one think the mania should stop.

Somewhere somehow all of these holidays that we now celebrate had meaning. They had spiritual meaning and community meaning.

Now just Hallmark meaning.

Even New Years. The diet books, the health clubs, the laser hair removal... all they want is our money.

Its a fresh new year and its a life marking. Another year has gone by and what have you done to make yourself a better person? What have you done to make someone elses life better? Can you look at the last year and say that you have grown (and not just in the waist)?

In my head I started this blog like this...


I wish I was 16 again...

I have a lot of reasons and I will continue with that thought in a minute, but this past year has been hugely successful for me on my terms. Last year before I turned 40{which is how I mark my time... in decades, the 80's being my favorite of course)I made a list and for the most part I think I accomplished most of the list give our take my own spin on them.

Here is the list:
Put all my pictures in photo albums
Go back to school
Pay off half of my debt
Lost 20 lbs.

So D1 spent months over that summer of 2007 putting my pictures into albums. I started school in 2007 and I have about a year a half left until I complete my Bachelors of Science in Biology and Human Services. I have accumulated more debt BUT...I am working on a budget now and it seems to be working. And I lost 23 lbs. (Yeah so I gained it back, there is nothing in there about keeping it off)

I feel like this year has been truly a good one, no one died, no one fell off a mountain and only one person I know got cancer and he seems to be doing well. That is how I measure my world. By tragedy. No big ones this year. Great News.

We safely avoided a major disaster with you know who almost becoming the you know what....

(sarah palin becoming VP)Whew that was too close for me.

I know some people will say that the economy crashing was not a good thing, but I think it really only affects people who had money to invest, no one who has all their money (12 dollars) hidden in a cracker box in their pantry.

Back to my reasons for wanting to be 16 again...

Although its a new year and I feel good about everything I have done this past year, the things I have to look forward to in the New Year are well, kinda boring. I dont mean boring in the sense they are meaningless or stagnant, I mean they are just not things that excite ME.

When my dog died in 2003, I tried to explain in therapy why that was so crushing. Besides losing one of my favorite children, (she never talked back or stayed out until 430 in the morning) it was the end of an era.

No more family of 6 with the perfect dog and the white house with the fence. No. It was gone. The life I loved was gone. I had opened the store and I was working 90 hours a week. The kids were growing up and moving on. My therapist tried to say that there would be new good things but honestly I dont see that.

Sure I look forward to the days when Hubby and I have some free time and we can travel and eat filet mignon because who cares when you only have 2 people to feed. I may even give Clover a piece(my new very bad dog).

And I am happy to say that Hubby and I do still enjoy time together. I am not looking forward saying Oh no what are we going to talk about when the kids are gone. Its not that at all.

I just have loved my life for the past 25 years.

I was 16 when hubby and I started dating. It was all new and everything we did was special because it was the first time. First date, first meeting the family, first holidays. We got married at 18, had D1 at 19, D2 at 20, D3 at 25 and D4 at 27. We bought our first house when we were 22 and 23. Then we bought the house we live in now when we were 26 and 28. We watched our kids go to school. I was a girl scout leader, class mom, pto member... all these things are things I loved to do.

Some of the kids still talk about the potato latkes that I made every year for each kids class. (you gotta spread the judaism where you can here)And our girl scout camping trips that blew all the other troops away.(yes I do recognize that this probably isnt the essence of girl scouting but man we kicked ass as a troop)

I loved being a mom. I still do but as my kids need me less and less, I feel slightly out of the loop. I am a pain in the neck when I want to know something I think my kids wont tell me. I am overinvolved, oversharing, obsessive compulsive and I just cant help it.

I spent years knowing their every move. Hubby and I were the sole influence in their lives until they went to school and then of course we taught them to secretly judge and stay away from the undesirable bad kids.

"Oh isnt that sad that that girls parents let her wear makeup in elementary school, they must not care about her, I love you too much to ever let you look that trashy"
and on and on.

In a million years I would not want to go back to high school. I did not have any good friends and the person I was is not the person I would ever want to be again.

But once I met hubby and he and I began the path to our life together, it has been full of... well its been full of life. We have lived.

And I know it is so easy to look back and see only the good things and gloss over the bad but I dont think thats true. I see the bad and believe me some of it was really bad. Some of it was probably the worst things I could ever have gone through in my life. I hope to never see some of the things that have happened to this family ever again.

But I know there are other things that I will never see again and that makes me so sad.

I am over 40 now. Halfway to death. On the back side. Everything i do now has to count in double time because its going quick.

I want to make resolutions, not for some personal fitness place to make money or a diet program to sell me cardboard food.

I'm Giving Up My Vices
I'm Going Back - Back To School
Eviction Or Not
This Week's Been So Hot
That Long As I've Got You
I Know I'll Be Cool


The plan I want to make is to become a better me by this time next year. I want to experience things that make me glad to be alive. I want to see my kids enjoy their life and not feel regret for the things I wish I did when I was their age, but never quite got around to it. I have to back off. They are moving forward like I did when I was their age, with a bright fresh look at whats to come and the endless possibilites that only growing up offers.

I am all grown up now. No more neverland for me. I have to head in the direction of adulthood for real. but maybe just maybe I can keep some of that childs spirit alive, maybe that is what keeps you younger longer. Maybe I can watch how they do it and put my own little backwards spin on it. Maybe you can too...

Tag your it!!!

The Beginning or The End?

Well another year has come and gone. I started this new blog a few months ago and neglected it as much as I did the last one.

The reason?

There are many.

First of all I am just not funny anymore.
I went through a really funny stage but its gone.

The reason its gone?

I am miserable, that is why.
The only two things that make me happy anymore are sleeping and eating.

Perhaps that is why I have gained about 30 lbs this year and have been sleeping on the couch to avoid hubby's snoring.

On the whole I have to say this year sucked.

The reasons?

Financially... we lost our lawsuit against the guy who stole our business. How? Exactly! just proof that scammers always win and honest people lose everything.

Medically... the entire year, every month was filled with some sort of ridiculous health crisis. D4s back,knee,ankle,D3s eye, blood sugar,Hubbys heart and my car accident and various other things. we were in the doctors office this year almost more than the year hubby had cancer.

Medical issues resulted in more financial issues...more doctors bills, more prescriptions, physical therapy bills, the list is endless.

Emotionally... we lost a very dear person in our lives this year to cancer. She was only 27 and suffered for a long time. The pain for the family has been endless and we have all grieved in our own private way. The sadness has been crushing.

The house and the cars are falling apart. Literally everything we own is tired and cranky. The cesspool caved in, 1000 dollars for that, the chimney is collapsing and we dont even have the money to do that. Hubbys car has no heat and mine is making some weird burning smell.

Every cabinet in the kitchen is falling apart. The bedroom doors dont close, the toilets run, rodents run amok whenever they feel like it. The carpets are stained and ripping and the floors are cracking.

2010...I know at the beginning of every new year there is cause for hope. The chance to start fresh and leave behind all the old baggage of the past year.

There were some very special moments of 2009.

D1 graduated college. It was so exciting to see that. And she moved out into her own apartment in Queens, has a fabulous job with some great friends and a lot to look forward to.

D2 was in Spain for the Spring semester. She visited a million places and saw everything there was to see.

D3 went to camp for a month over the summer and met some of her very favorite people. She is celebrating the New year with them now.

D4 started high school and has excelled at so many things including art and biology.

My children are all beautiful people on the inside and out. I am proud that I have been part of the journey with them that has allowed them to become the people they are today.

Exactly what I wrote about last year... being bored... not seeing anything exciting in my future... that has been amplified a million times.

I will finish school in May. A dream I have hoping to accomplish for a long time. And I feel nothing about it.

My second daughter will graduate college and start her new life and I will be so proud of her but it is her accomplishment, I am just a bystander.

D3 will go off to college this year and the only kid I have that talks to me about everything under the sun will be gone. I am over involved in her life because she lets me and because I am so freaking bored of everything, its like watching a teenage soap opera. And its interesting at least.

D4 has so many things to look forward to and I look forward to some time to spend with her but she is not a sharer. Talking to her is like pulling teeth and eating dinner with her and hubby, I might as well be talking to myself.

Things have changed so drastically in our marriage, it is terrifying. There has been a shift and while I was trying hard to take care of everyone else I wasnt paying attention. And there is damage, serious damage that needs a lot of work, sort of like this house. And like this house project, I dont know if I have all the resources to mend this relationship either.

I woke up on New Years Day, not with hopes for the future but just regrets of the past.
I dont see this year being any easier or exciting than last year for me.
I woke up unhappy and I will go to bed tonight unhappy, its just been the way it is for awhile now.

I dont blog anymore because I have nothing to say. Nothing important, nothing exciting. I used to love to write because it made me feel better. I never wrote the blog for any other reason than to collect the stories for my kids to read later, but the memories are fading and it is getting harder and harder to pull them back up.

The saddest part is that when people are unhappy, the thing I always tell them is change something in your life. One thing, even if it is stupid. Change something as small as your haircut or the color of your hair or something big like your job or your significant other.

And I cannot even take my own advice because I am stuck. Stuck in a rut that I cannot get out of.

I want to change. I want to make resolutions and stick with them.I want to be a happy person again with dreams and things to look forward to.

I will try.
Here is my list of how I will try to be happier for 2010.

1. I will lose weight because I am most unhappy with how I look.
2. I will get healthier because I cannot breathe when I walk up a flight of stairs.
3. I will finish school, decide on a career change and work towards that, even if it takes another 3 years of school.
4. I will try to pay off some debt.I will try to stop spending money on eating out and luxury food and make do with what we have.
5. I will try to socialize more with friends I have reconnected with this year and rekindle some long lost relationships with people I really enjoy.

for now that is all I can manage in my own head. I cannot fix the kids or hubby, right now I have to just worry about myself. And hopefully by this time next year I will have a handle on all the things that are falling to pieces. Maybe 2010 will be my year to change.



“If you think back, and replay your year - if it doesn’t bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted.”
Peter MacNicol, Ally McBeal

Signs, signs everywhere there's signs...

Do you believe in signs? Ghosts? Angels?

I always have and while I dont always know what they all mean I am sure it is me who is just not understanding it clearly but if I just put all the pieces together maybe something will make sense.

A few days ago at work I referenced the story of the tortoise and the hare when I said to my friend Mike, something like slow and steady wins the race and he said "Really?" and I said no probably not but that is how we have been feeling at work, like tortoises. We burned ourselves out with our superior customer service during the holidays making sure all the overweight white trash women in the south got their bears. Now we are fried.

And we feel like eventually we will catch up again, slowly and surely. yeah except Mike had to bail us out yesterday of a giant hole but its all good now. Slow and steady.

So in the car yesterday D#3 tells me how they are studying the story of the Tortoise and the Hare in English to show how lifes lessons are taught through literature. Second reference, ok, a little wierd but probably just coincidence.

At work yesterday I proudly displayed my Biggest Loser calendar which is supposed to give Ellen and I inspirational tips for losing weight. Other than "Have your mouth wired shut" I dont have much hope for these little tips but in any case, being totally unable to follow the rules I looked ahead a few days on the calendar and it went on and on about the tortoise and the hare and in weight loss the only way to really lose is slow and steady, all tortoise, no stomach stapling, diet pill addict, liquid dieting hare. Just tortoise... slowly chewing lettuce. UHHH

So today I am sitting in my new morning spot McDonalds, and I am reading the second book for my memoir class and low and behold I get to this part and... yeah you guessed it The tortoise and the hare story.

Now I know you are thinking the same thing as me, what does this all mean. Is it that turtle soup is better for weight loss than Rabbit Stew?

Oh that isnt what you were thinking...

Well last night before this 4th reference hubby thought it meant I should walk to
7-11, which is like a mile away and buy a lottery ticket for last nights drawing. I assured him if it meant walking to 7-11 it was for Ben and Jerrys and not no stinking losing lottery ticket.

Slow and steady... what could this possibly mean.

Well for one yesterday my Wii Fit insulted me, like it does everyday by asking me why I thought I was so fat. No really it did. and then it gives you choices, do you eat too much?, do you snack alot? do you exercise too little? Well because there was no All of the Above answer I answered eat too much because I think that is the most damaging and it said maybe you should slow down and chew your food slower.

Then when I was trying to beat D#4's score on the dancing game, it said maybe you could improve your rhythm by stepping off the balance board slower. Really Wii Fit, maybe I should put you in the blender and watch you grind up into little tiny pieces and laugh out loud, oh you silly Wii fit maybe you should break apart a little slower.

I guess slow and steady does have a lot of meaning in my world. I am finishing school, trying to pay off debt and trying to lose weight. All those things I guess will take time but I have trouble with that...time....

when Hubby got cancer time changed for me. It really did. The future to me is always uncertain. Always. No matter how many years go by and how healthy hubby is, I will never make the mistake of wasting a moment today on something that I could easily avoid until tomorrow when it doesnt suit me.

I dont wanna....I dont wanna...That is my mantra. Actually is Ellens mantra but I am sure she wont mind if I stole it.

I envy the tortoise, having the ability to see the goal, see the future ahead and work at an even pace until he gets there. On the other hand, I love the Hare, Oh wait there is something I want, let me go full speed ahead until I get it...Oh wait something shiny. Distractions, beautiful, sweet, procrastinating distractions.

They both have their place in my life. I know I have to lose weight, I am just unhealthy and that is bad. But the long road ahead is too far for me to see. I need results. when the Wii told me last night I had gained 1.8 lbs this week, since Monday, I wanted to eat a candy bar. Slow and Steady? Screw you. Forget it.

But I resisted. And now I will dedicate myself to the long road of losing weight and hope I can slowly and steadily lose weight. Yes a sausage mcmuffin with egg is on the diet. It only has 300 calories. Yeah it says so on the wrapper.

Somehow though I want to race ahead full speed, spend all my waking moments playing the balance games on the Wii Fit and trying to break all the records and knock all the kids off the top spots.

Either way...I will spend the next few days obsessing over this sign from above or below or somewhere or someone else and maybe i will realize what it means or maybe I wont realize until years later, this is how signs are. Sometimes they reveal themselves, sometimes it takes forever. You are lucky if you get to see what the signs in your lifetime mean.

I know why hubby had cancer, I dont know why Tizzy fell or Jeff died, I dont know why my kids had to suffer through such tragedy but maybe someday I will understand the tortoise and the hare.

But for now I will look out for turtles and bunnies and make sure they arent sneaking into my house at night resetting my scales and taking up the top spots on the Wii.

Oh no you silly wabbit, Wiis are for kids.

Do you remember the times of your life? Blog from last year this week

Good morning, yesterday
You wake up and time has slipped away
And suddenly it's hard to find
The memories you left behind
Remember, do you remember

The laughter and the tears
The shadows of misty yesteryears
The good times and the bad you've seen
And all the others in between
Remember, do you remember
The times of your life (do you remember)

Reach back for the joy and the sorrow
Put them away in your mind
The mem'ries are time that you borrow
To spend when you get to tomorrow

Here comes the saddest part (comes the saddest part)
The seasons are passing one by one
So gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life

Gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life
Of your life
Of your life

Do you remember, baby
Do you remember the times of your life
Do you remember, baby
Do you remember the times of your life

"I dont know if you guys understand how much I appreciate and respect you both. You are always there for me and I am so lucky for that....I'm glad youve never given me away and although you've probably thought about it many many times before I'm oober glad you didnt" D4

"You teach me how to be the person I want to be. You are wonderful amazing people and I could not ask for better parents ever....I hope you both know how amazing you are and how amazing you are together" D3

"I have so much respect for you two and appreciate the respect you always have for me to allow me to make my own mistakes and decisions and learn from them. I feel so sad for everyone who doesnt have you two as parents. No one can possibly understand the loyalty and love we share in our home." D2

"Twenty three years and for twenty one of those you two have been the greatest parents someone could ask for. The example you have set for all of us is amazing.I know I speak for all my sisters when I say that we all hope to one day have a relationship just as successful as yours....so much of what makes you good parents are the small things that most people dont even notice." D1

"I wish I had a blog so I could write all the great things about you...I did want to reply to "What makes a man husband worthy?" with "What makes a woman wife worthy?" but I realized just saying "Marry Nancy" would be weird and unattainable since I took you off the market" Hubby

These are excerpts from letters that my family wrote to me as a surprise for our anniversary. Hubby had each of the girls write us a letter and D4 printed them out on beautiful paper. they were presented to me at my favorite restaurant along with 2 dozen of the most beautiful flowers and our wedding candle.





Since we have been married, hubby has been buying me a rose for each year we were married. These roses were waiting on the table for me when we arrived at the restaurant, Paces Steakhouse in Port Jefferson. We have not been there in four years. I cant believe I have lived that long without cold crab cocktail and the best filet mignon I have ever had.

The candle was given to us by the reverand that married us when we eloped in December of 1985. His name was Reverand Wentz and he had a little chapel in Freeport. We have burned a little of it each year but we are thinking it might be like the chanukah oil and last forever, even though it is about halfway burned now.

So we arrive to this beautiful table right by the window overlooking Port Jefferson and all the holiday lights. After a little toasting ourselves and how amazing we are, the maitre d brings out these envelopes. And they each contain letters to us from our girls. I just included little bits and pieces here but all four letters were heartfelt and precious. I felt an overwhelming sense of pride(and not like John Mccain felt for Sarah Palin). I felt proud of the people they have become partly with our influence but also because of the paths they have chosen and the hard work it has taken to get there.

And the card from hubby was titled "I want to share life's journey with you".

I almost feel speechless about this whole thing.

I know you would be worried about me if I didnt have more to say, but really I am totally taken aback at how special of a night this was.

I said to Hubby, I love you every single day of my life. And he said Well not every single day. And I agreed that the snoring takes away about 5 % of my love for him. I know it seems like a lot but sleep is seriously important and without it I am starting to be more forgetful than usual.

When we eloped 23 years ago, we had no idea what this journey would be like. We each knew we loved each other, had a committment to each other and respected each others feelings. The things that happen over the years are the things that kill relationships and make them painful and miserable. We get comfortable, lazy, complacent and that breeds contempt and taking someone for granted.(Dont take New Hampshire for Granite)(Thats a private joke for hubby)

The thing that makes Hubby so special is how far he is willing to go for my happiness. For cheeseburgers at midnight to hugging the maitre d. He steps outside his comfort zone and wants only to make me happy.

I am having trouble finding the right words here.

We were 18 and 19 when we got married. No one could possible know enough about life at that point to get married. I knew he was cool, had gorgeous hair and was heading into the Navy. He knew I could be mean, was going to Stony Brook and drove a cool 1972 Cutlass.

I kid around here but how much can you know about a person when they are that age. Could you possibly know that they would stick up for an entire staff of people just because it was the right thing to do? And get fired for it? do you know he would ride miles and miles uphill both ways on a bike in San Diego only to have you pass out at a swap meet? Could you know that he would respect your religious beliefs even though they are completely wrong and out to lunch and buy you a perfect stained glass jewish star for your window on your first celebrated Chanukah?

Could you ever know the way his face looked the day you gave birth? Four times, he had the same look. It is indescribable. Joy and love and pride. He treasured each child and finds ways to connect with them individually. How could you know that he would be the perfect "girl daddy"? And I am sure he would have been the perfect boy daddy too but luckily for us we never had to find out.

He has held my hair when I threw up, watched me go from a tiny little teenager to a middle aged fat woman and he has looked at me with the same love in his eyes the whole time. (except when I ran over his foot)

It is beautiful and new at the beginning. You meet, fall in love, spend time together and it is all good. You dont get to see the bad stuff right away, like how he acts around his parents or his friends. You dont know if he will be a hard worker and work two or more jobs his whole life so you can stay home and raise your children. You dont know if he will love you after all the unpleasant things like bad breath, and onion skin, and stomach viruses. You dont know that at the beginning.

In the last 23 years I am not sure there is anything in this world that hasnt happened to our family. Well we havent won lotto, hey wait I didnt check my numbers this morning. I could be the winner of 207 million dollars.

And you know what...not much would change. We would have nicer possessions but the letters that came from my daughters and hubby, those are priceless and no stinkin lottery is going to change that.

We have live through life and death, more times than is humanly imagineable. We have witnessed marriages and divorces and births and illness. Each of us has had at least one life threatening surgery. Each one of us has dealt with dissapointment and regret.

On nights like last one, it is easy to love someone. there was wine and conversation and flowers.

It is the days that you wake up and there is no heat and it is 18 degrees in the house and you bundle up, make hot coffee and chat while you wait for the heating repair man that then you know.

He is it. The man of your dreams, keeper of your world, life partner and husband extrodinare. He is your prince charming, the lenny to your squiggy, the laverne to your shirley, the brad pitt to your angelina jolie.

Time has gone by and every moment we have had together, be it good, bad or ugly, has been what makes us a perfect team.


He loves me...


and I let him...


Its all good....

I Believe... My quest against the Unicorn Slayers.

I believe in true love, love at first sight and love for eternity.

I believe that you can be in love at any age and any time and even if the Unicorn Slayers try to tell you that you are too young, too old, too far away or too involved, it doesnt matter. True Love prevails.

I believe that love can conquer pain and suffering and that having love in your life eases the burden of lifes unfair moments.

I believe that my unicorn can carry me off to faraway places and even to my castle where I would have tea with the pegasus', the other unicorns and some of the ogres that need our help to learn to love.

I am aware that Unicorn Slayers dont understand my beliefs and I do not understand theirs. But I respect their right to believe it. As long as they stop slaying my unicorns.

There is so much ugliness in the world and also so much beauty. Sometimes it is easy to take the path of least resistance and watch the world go by dreary and dark. The harder part is to reach outside of that comfort and change and grow. And look for the beauty in ugly moments.

I have been through some enormous life changing unpleasant catastrophic events in my life. And yet on most days I look to my unicorn, my fantasy world to bring me some peace.

I believe that no one should ever tell you what to feel or how to think and when they dont agree they could say "Well i dont agree with that, why do you feel that way"

I believe that our life is a series of relationships, some for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You take away a piece of each of those relationships, you practice being different things and then when the time is right, whenever that is, you find the person that you are meant to be with.

I found that person when I was 16. I had dated a lot of boys and never felt the way I do about Hubby. Even after we found each other and people insisted that I could not possibly know what love is, I never met anyone who helped me become the person I wanted to be as much as Hubby.I met others, I looked, but always the love of my life was right in front of my eyes. And he loved me back.

It wasnt easy.We were far apart for a long time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder but then absence lets you forget how special that person is too.

"They said, I'll bet, they'll never make it but just look at us holding on, we're still together, still going strong"



I wish and hope that my girls find this kind of love. Magical love. Unicorn flying love. Eating lobster together at 2am love.

If they find it at 16, or 25 or 40, grab the opportunity, it wont matter if you wait for the right time, place, love doesnt wait and sometimes circumstances only give us a short amount of time to experience it. Time may not be kind, but we can cheat time by jumping in and grabbing hold of what we can when love presents itself.

You may not agree with me and that is find but stop slaying my unicorns, they exist for me and people like me and we dont want your angry, cynical, bitterness bringing us down. Go back to Ogreville and comiserate with your fellow ogres.

I am Superwoman

I am Superwoman

So my kids think I am Superwoman.

I learned this most recently when I was dying Daughter #4's hair pink. I said you know I don’t really know how to dye hair. Of course you do Mom you can do anything D4 said.

I think they may have gotten this idea from the fact that I spent most of the summer recruiting them to do home projects that I had never done before. We ceramic tiled the bathroom, painted vaulted ceilings that were about 15 feet high with a stepladder and landscaped the yard.

Maybe I have always led them and many others to believe I am Superwoman. It has been like my claim to fame. Oh sure Nancy can do that. A Belle or Jasmine Halloween costume? Sure I will whip it up on my sewing machine. Clouds painted on the ceiling? Absolutely. Cupcakes for 90? What color icing?

Daughter #3 often wants to play the game "Fix my problems". I always win.

Just this morning we were listening to a Sheryl Crow song about God. I don’t recall the words but they were like talk to the one you love, talk to the one who made you, talk to the one who can make it right... something like that. D3 thought the song was about Moms.

My girls have watched me simultaneously breastfeed an infant, help with homework and cook a 7-course meal, all while talking on the phone.

There’s no need to fear... Oh wait that’s Underdog, not superwoman.

In any case, maybe I have made it look too easy. When hubby was working full time and bartending on the weekends, I didn’t want him to be bothered with any of the lawn care. So I took out the ride on mower, put the smallest kid on my lap and mowed the back 40. Ok so we don’t have 40 acres, maybe just a half, but it was hard work.

Then I would get out the weedwacker and trim the bushes... blah blah blah the list went on and on.

Hubby has become so allergic to poison ivy in the last few years that the doctor actually wrote on the paperwork last time "No Gardening Ever". We hired a landscaper to cut the lawn but the weeds and the bushes, all me. I spent an entire day a few weeks ago taking small trees out, digging with worms, pulling out weeds, dragging it all to the curb. I actually sweated and smelled. And I am opposed to that stuff. Sweating and Smelling.

I used to give the best parties. We were reminiscing recently about some of them. A wizard of Oz party, complete with flying monkeys, an over the rainbow 7 layer cake, a house dropped on my sister (hahaha), a yellow brick road...

Another party I gave was a hungry caterpillar party based on the Eric Carle book. In the book, the hungry caterpillar eats so much stuff each day and then gets in his cocoon and becomes a butterfly. I had all the food cut into little pieces and then I drew all the pages of the book on poster board. I read the story as we served each piece of food and when they were all done I had them go into a tent I had set up in the backyard and I had one of my older daughters pin butterfly wings that I made out of tissue paper on their back.

Superwoman or Stupidwoman... I am not sure.

My kids have often told me the night before... I need posters to win student council. That means a creative idea and then me staying up until midnight making the posters. I think D4's Snapple facts one was pretty cool, although I do remember a Rugrats poster that put all the other posters to shame.

So was this helpful to them or detrimental? Should I have stayed the princess I always wanted to be and waited for a man to help me get it done? Um No!

I have sacrificed a lot being Superwoman. My hand was always the first raised to volunteer for everything, countless class mothers, coaching and of course girl scout leader to all 4 girls. I spent every waking moment doing stuff for other people.

Part of the problem was I didn’t know how to say no.

During my long years of therapy, my therapist wanted to know why? Why do I have every holiday at my house, cook everything from scratch and never let anyone do anything? I am really better at it than anyone else, I say. So, she says. What would happen if you didn’t make fudge this year? Oh My God, I scream. I don’t know what would happen. People would be devastated if they didn’t get to eat my fudge this year. Really would they she asks. Or would they be like Ok Nancy didn’t make fudge. Maybe this year she actually sat down and ate some store bought cake for dessert.

Let me tell you...it has taken me 5 years of therapy, lots and lots of dollars of therapy and lots of work...

And I still have trouble with it. I still want to have these super parties that people rave about and I still want people to talk about how amazing I am, and I still want to do everything for every holiday because I really do do it better.

But I did learn that the sacrifice I had been making for all these years was not necessarily a healthy one. There is a power to being great at everything, but there is also a power in saying today I am worrying about me and mine. Today I cannot participate in the bake sale or help with the craft fair. Today I am staying home and laying on the swing with my kids and laughing and joking.

So maybe I have hidden my cape in the closet. I may not need it for a while.