Last Years New Years Blog January 2009

That time of the year has come when we need to reflect on the past year. Laugh at how poorly we followed last years resolutions and make preposterous new ones that we will quit by sometime in February. I for one think the mania should stop.

Somewhere somehow all of these holidays that we now celebrate had meaning. They had spiritual meaning and community meaning.

Now just Hallmark meaning.

Even New Years. The diet books, the health clubs, the laser hair removal... all they want is our money.

Its a fresh new year and its a life marking. Another year has gone by and what have you done to make yourself a better person? What have you done to make someone elses life better? Can you look at the last year and say that you have grown (and not just in the waist)?

In my head I started this blog like this...


I wish I was 16 again...

I have a lot of reasons and I will continue with that thought in a minute, but this past year has been hugely successful for me on my terms. Last year before I turned 40{which is how I mark my time... in decades, the 80's being my favorite of course)I made a list and for the most part I think I accomplished most of the list give our take my own spin on them.

Here is the list:
Put all my pictures in photo albums
Go back to school
Pay off half of my debt
Lost 20 lbs.

So D1 spent months over that summer of 2007 putting my pictures into albums. I started school in 2007 and I have about a year a half left until I complete my Bachelors of Science in Biology and Human Services. I have accumulated more debt BUT...I am working on a budget now and it seems to be working. And I lost 23 lbs. (Yeah so I gained it back, there is nothing in there about keeping it off)

I feel like this year has been truly a good one, no one died, no one fell off a mountain and only one person I know got cancer and he seems to be doing well. That is how I measure my world. By tragedy. No big ones this year. Great News.

We safely avoided a major disaster with you know who almost becoming the you know what....

(sarah palin becoming VP)Whew that was too close for me.

I know some people will say that the economy crashing was not a good thing, but I think it really only affects people who had money to invest, no one who has all their money (12 dollars) hidden in a cracker box in their pantry.

Back to my reasons for wanting to be 16 again...

Although its a new year and I feel good about everything I have done this past year, the things I have to look forward to in the New Year are well, kinda boring. I dont mean boring in the sense they are meaningless or stagnant, I mean they are just not things that excite ME.

When my dog died in 2003, I tried to explain in therapy why that was so crushing. Besides losing one of my favorite children, (she never talked back or stayed out until 430 in the morning) it was the end of an era.

No more family of 6 with the perfect dog and the white house with the fence. No. It was gone. The life I loved was gone. I had opened the store and I was working 90 hours a week. The kids were growing up and moving on. My therapist tried to say that there would be new good things but honestly I dont see that.

Sure I look forward to the days when Hubby and I have some free time and we can travel and eat filet mignon because who cares when you only have 2 people to feed. I may even give Clover a piece(my new very bad dog).

And I am happy to say that Hubby and I do still enjoy time together. I am not looking forward saying Oh no what are we going to talk about when the kids are gone. Its not that at all.

I just have loved my life for the past 25 years.

I was 16 when hubby and I started dating. It was all new and everything we did was special because it was the first time. First date, first meeting the family, first holidays. We got married at 18, had D1 at 19, D2 at 20, D3 at 25 and D4 at 27. We bought our first house when we were 22 and 23. Then we bought the house we live in now when we were 26 and 28. We watched our kids go to school. I was a girl scout leader, class mom, pto member... all these things are things I loved to do.

Some of the kids still talk about the potato latkes that I made every year for each kids class. (you gotta spread the judaism where you can here)And our girl scout camping trips that blew all the other troops away.(yes I do recognize that this probably isnt the essence of girl scouting but man we kicked ass as a troop)

I loved being a mom. I still do but as my kids need me less and less, I feel slightly out of the loop. I am a pain in the neck when I want to know something I think my kids wont tell me. I am overinvolved, oversharing, obsessive compulsive and I just cant help it.

I spent years knowing their every move. Hubby and I were the sole influence in their lives until they went to school and then of course we taught them to secretly judge and stay away from the undesirable bad kids.

"Oh isnt that sad that that girls parents let her wear makeup in elementary school, they must not care about her, I love you too much to ever let you look that trashy"
and on and on.

In a million years I would not want to go back to high school. I did not have any good friends and the person I was is not the person I would ever want to be again.

But once I met hubby and he and I began the path to our life together, it has been full of... well its been full of life. We have lived.

And I know it is so easy to look back and see only the good things and gloss over the bad but I dont think thats true. I see the bad and believe me some of it was really bad. Some of it was probably the worst things I could ever have gone through in my life. I hope to never see some of the things that have happened to this family ever again.

But I know there are other things that I will never see again and that makes me so sad.

I am over 40 now. Halfway to death. On the back side. Everything i do now has to count in double time because its going quick.

I want to make resolutions, not for some personal fitness place to make money or a diet program to sell me cardboard food.

I'm Giving Up My Vices
I'm Going Back - Back To School
Eviction Or Not
This Week's Been So Hot
That Long As I've Got You
I Know I'll Be Cool


The plan I want to make is to become a better me by this time next year. I want to experience things that make me glad to be alive. I want to see my kids enjoy their life and not feel regret for the things I wish I did when I was their age, but never quite got around to it. I have to back off. They are moving forward like I did when I was their age, with a bright fresh look at whats to come and the endless possibilites that only growing up offers.

I am all grown up now. No more neverland for me. I have to head in the direction of adulthood for real. but maybe just maybe I can keep some of that childs spirit alive, maybe that is what keeps you younger longer. Maybe I can watch how they do it and put my own little backwards spin on it. Maybe you can too...

Tag your it!!!

The Beginning or The End?

Well another year has come and gone. I started this new blog a few months ago and neglected it as much as I did the last one.

The reason?

There are many.

First of all I am just not funny anymore.
I went through a really funny stage but its gone.

The reason its gone?

I am miserable, that is why.
The only two things that make me happy anymore are sleeping and eating.

Perhaps that is why I have gained about 30 lbs this year and have been sleeping on the couch to avoid hubby's snoring.

On the whole I have to say this year sucked.

The reasons?

Financially... we lost our lawsuit against the guy who stole our business. How? Exactly! just proof that scammers always win and honest people lose everything.

Medically... the entire year, every month was filled with some sort of ridiculous health crisis. D4s back,knee,ankle,D3s eye, blood sugar,Hubbys heart and my car accident and various other things. we were in the doctors office this year almost more than the year hubby had cancer.

Medical issues resulted in more financial issues...more doctors bills, more prescriptions, physical therapy bills, the list is endless.

Emotionally... we lost a very dear person in our lives this year to cancer. She was only 27 and suffered for a long time. The pain for the family has been endless and we have all grieved in our own private way. The sadness has been crushing.

The house and the cars are falling apart. Literally everything we own is tired and cranky. The cesspool caved in, 1000 dollars for that, the chimney is collapsing and we dont even have the money to do that. Hubbys car has no heat and mine is making some weird burning smell.

Every cabinet in the kitchen is falling apart. The bedroom doors dont close, the toilets run, rodents run amok whenever they feel like it. The carpets are stained and ripping and the floors are cracking.

2010...I know at the beginning of every new year there is cause for hope. The chance to start fresh and leave behind all the old baggage of the past year.

There were some very special moments of 2009.

D1 graduated college. It was so exciting to see that. And she moved out into her own apartment in Queens, has a fabulous job with some great friends and a lot to look forward to.

D2 was in Spain for the Spring semester. She visited a million places and saw everything there was to see.

D3 went to camp for a month over the summer and met some of her very favorite people. She is celebrating the New year with them now.

D4 started high school and has excelled at so many things including art and biology.

My children are all beautiful people on the inside and out. I am proud that I have been part of the journey with them that has allowed them to become the people they are today.

Exactly what I wrote about last year... being bored... not seeing anything exciting in my future... that has been amplified a million times.

I will finish school in May. A dream I have hoping to accomplish for a long time. And I feel nothing about it.

My second daughter will graduate college and start her new life and I will be so proud of her but it is her accomplishment, I am just a bystander.

D3 will go off to college this year and the only kid I have that talks to me about everything under the sun will be gone. I am over involved in her life because she lets me and because I am so freaking bored of everything, its like watching a teenage soap opera. And its interesting at least.

D4 has so many things to look forward to and I look forward to some time to spend with her but she is not a sharer. Talking to her is like pulling teeth and eating dinner with her and hubby, I might as well be talking to myself.

Things have changed so drastically in our marriage, it is terrifying. There has been a shift and while I was trying hard to take care of everyone else I wasnt paying attention. And there is damage, serious damage that needs a lot of work, sort of like this house. And like this house project, I dont know if I have all the resources to mend this relationship either.

I woke up on New Years Day, not with hopes for the future but just regrets of the past.
I dont see this year being any easier or exciting than last year for me.
I woke up unhappy and I will go to bed tonight unhappy, its just been the way it is for awhile now.

I dont blog anymore because I have nothing to say. Nothing important, nothing exciting. I used to love to write because it made me feel better. I never wrote the blog for any other reason than to collect the stories for my kids to read later, but the memories are fading and it is getting harder and harder to pull them back up.

The saddest part is that when people are unhappy, the thing I always tell them is change something in your life. One thing, even if it is stupid. Change something as small as your haircut or the color of your hair or something big like your job or your significant other.

And I cannot even take my own advice because I am stuck. Stuck in a rut that I cannot get out of.

I want to change. I want to make resolutions and stick with them.I want to be a happy person again with dreams and things to look forward to.

I will try.
Here is my list of how I will try to be happier for 2010.

1. I will lose weight because I am most unhappy with how I look.
2. I will get healthier because I cannot breathe when I walk up a flight of stairs.
3. I will finish school, decide on a career change and work towards that, even if it takes another 3 years of school.
4. I will try to pay off some debt.I will try to stop spending money on eating out and luxury food and make do with what we have.
5. I will try to socialize more with friends I have reconnected with this year and rekindle some long lost relationships with people I really enjoy.

for now that is all I can manage in my own head. I cannot fix the kids or hubby, right now I have to just worry about myself. And hopefully by this time next year I will have a handle on all the things that are falling to pieces. Maybe 2010 will be my year to change.



“If you think back, and replay your year - if it doesn’t bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted.”
Peter MacNicol, Ally McBeal