Fate

There is so much about my fate that I cannot control but other things do fall under the jurisdiction I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with whom I share my body and life and money and energy with I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I’m going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life whether I will see them as curses or opportunities I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all I can choose my thoughts.

I love this quote because there is so little we can control, but we can control our reaction to it. I have a tendency to laugh and make serious inappropriate jokes under dire circumstances. I have to say I was at my funniest when Pat had cancer. You dont think Cancer is funny? Well it was for a couple of weeks in 1993. The jokes were great, we laughed and we cried. Laughing is a deep release of emotion and I believe that it is healthier than crying.

I cry too. All the time. And I still make sick jokes. Even when Pat had a heart attack incident a few months ago. We laughed and freaked out.

Its what we do. And it makes life just a little easier to take.

I am going to need some laughter the next few weeks as I wait for various test results.

Did you hear the one about the rabbi the priest and the poodle...

Me either, but if you have a good joke please send it my way.

OK Thanks.

Nightmares

“Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.”
Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

I dont sleep,

Pretty Much Ever.

I always blamed my husbands snoring until I moved into the living room to sleep and realize I dont sleep here either.

I guess not sleeping has some perks.

My kids can never sneak in past curfew.

They come in thinking I am fast asleep but I always have one foot out of dreamland.

Hey how was your night?
Mom what are you doing awake?
I am always kind of awake.

So last night at 4am while I was wide awake I decided to get some water and pee, you know the things regular middle age women do at 4 am.

And I think I actually fell asleep.

And I had a horrible nightmare.

There were birds and raccoons and scary men chasing me.

And I wished I could wake up but I couldnt.

Until I heard my daughter, MOM...
Yeah whats the matter?
I had a terrible nightmare.
Ok come down and lay with me on the couch,

So she starts telling me the scariest dream in the whole world.

And we sit up for awhile and we talk and then we start laughing

And I realize that

Sleep isnt really that important,

Not when my kids might need me.

Thought for the day

“Maybe it’s maturity or the wisdom that comes with age, but the witch in Hansel and Gretel—she’s very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it.”
Cynthia Nixon, Sex and the City

Archive August 4th 2008

Monday, August 4, 2008
So much time... so little to do

So much time... so little to do... check that, reverse it. Anyone ? Anyone? Bueller? No Willy Wonka. That line made no sense to me when I was a kid but now... I get it.

I am the mother of four amazing daughters. I loved being a stay at home mom over the years. I never had a desire to BE anything else. My life was so fulfilled with my family and friends. At some point I felt our need for money overrode my "wanting" to stay home so I went back to work, part time, doing all kinds of things and then it was more than part time and so it goes... life as a stay at home mom was over.

I have very strong parenting ideas. And I tend to be very judgemental about my parenting and other peoples parenting. I am not a confrontational person and it has been very hard for me always to speak up about things that are important to me. But my belief in good parenting has changed my relationship with quite a few people some even in my own family.

My family is so unique and I am sure you are thinking yeah so is everyones. But the more I get to know different people and their family dynamic the more I realize how special we are.

I got married when I was 18. We eloped actually. My husband and I started dating in the Summer of 84. He had just graduated high school and I was going into my senior year. I knew he had already joined the Navy and would be leaving in March but I had known him for so long and we had been friends and I just knew I wanted to be with him forever.

We had a great summer... And this is how it all started. We were at a graduation party and I was dating one of hubbys friends. Nothing serious just a few dates. So we are at the party and I guess mutually we realize that its not working out (the friend and I ). Hubby and I start talking and we sit in his car to smoke a cigarette. Honestly none of our friends smoked so were kind of sneaking I guess. We talked and talked, it was just us being friends.

So whatever my friends are there and we are just hanging out and everyone decides to go to this bar in Coram. Anyone remember City Scenes in the Pathmark Shopping Center? Great Kamikazes No ID needed.

So everyone piles in all the cars and we head over and we are drinking pitchers of Kamikazes and let me say that I completely do not condone underage drinking and I think what we were doing here was SO BAD but times were different, we seemed older, the drinking age was only 18 blah blah blah I am grateful everyday that I made it out of that part of my life alive.

Well its time to leave and I ask hubby for a ride home. We go to leave and suddenly hubbys friend is mad, he says something rude and uncalled for and we leave. Whatever.

Hubby drives me to my house and we talk and laugh and it is so easy and good. So I say goodbye but there is a part of me that knows something magical just happened. I am only 16 and way to ignorant of the ways of the world to know what it is but read on.

So the next day I wake up and my family is sitting around the breakfast table for hours, like is typical in my house, then and now. We eat, then we read the paper, we talk, we debate the news stories, we compare the sales, then maybe we eat again. Its the Jewish Italian thing. Both eaters, both talkers I think it is genetic so I go with it.

So I say to my mother "I wish Hubby would come over and take me out" and she is like " Why would he do that" Mind you I have known him for years, he has dated my friend, he has met my parents, and he has never randomly shown up to take me out before. And I am like " I dont know, he drove me home last night and something changed"

So its Sunday and we are in our pjs, eating bagels, listening to loud 50's music, dancing around maybe and there is a knock on the door. PS in those days it wasnt strange for there to be a knock on the door, we didnt have cell phones, instant messaging, text messaging, we just showed up at peoples houses and said hey can you come out?

So its Hubby and I am like Hi Come in and he is like " Do you want to have lunch?" And I am like sure let me get dressed, so I leave him with my parents and I could. That is point #1 in husband material, people. I could leave him talking to my parents and he could carry on an intelligent conversation and they liked him and I felt fine taking 20 minutes to get ready.

So we leave in his Moms Delta 88 and we go to Campus Heroes and it is so comfortable and easy and I order a meatball hero. A meatball hero. Who would order that on a first date? It was a mess, so delicious though and I get a coke that explodes through the straw. But we talk and have a great time and that is how it all began. And that is point #2. Sauce on my face, soda all over, it was still good.

Skip forward 2o years later, our anniversary. We wanted to go to Hawaii but long story about that another time. We have no money and we are big into celebrating, mostly because of the Cancer and we never know how much time we will have. So we meet after work at Ruby Tuesdays and hubby is like I have a surprise for you. So we hang out a little, do some christmas shopping and we leave for my surprise.

Guess what it was? He had gone to Campus Heroes, and had them set it up after they closed for us. My wonderful daughters brought our wedding candle, and cards and flowers and we sat at the same table as we did on our first date and we ate. ( I didnt get a meatball hero, mostly because it is so fattening and 20 years later I do not weigh 117 lbs) It was beyond magical and seriously 20 years later I looked into his eyes and I know that I still love him as much now as I did then. I know the magic lives on. Point #3 in choosing a husband, dont settle for less than this kind of love. It's out there you just need to find it. Someday someone will be a part of you that you dont know how you lived without.

Welcome to my World

I have been blogging for about a year now, for my children. I have captured as many stories as I can remember from their childhood and put them together for when I cant remember things anymore. Think The Notebook.

Now I have started this blog for others to see, so you can share my warped views of the world and see how crazy I really am.

I will post as often as a I can, but until December I am taking 12 credits, including Organic Chem, Abnormal Psych and Human Genetics, as well as selling bears to crazy people. Soooo I may be a little busy, but I will share some of my past posts that only my kids can see.

I find myself very amusing sometimes, if you dont that is ok, but be kind in your commenting.