Reblogged from September 2009

I am not sure when I started noticing the chapters of my life going so quickly.

So many years went by when time seemed to stand still and now so much of it is gone.

My four girls are 8 years apart. So the first 10 years of my marriage we were getting pregnant, giving birth, breast feeding, and in a whirlwind of diapers, doctors visits, and potty training. We dealt with cancer and debt and it was life and we lived it.

When I was married for 10 years my girls were 8,7,2 and 10 months old.

The next 5 years were filled with lots of laundry and food shopping and girl scouts and school functions and it was so busy all the time, I barely had time to stop and breathe, must less shower or think of the future.

I went back to work when D4 was 5 and I worked and cared for a family of 6 without ever thinking anything of it. Life was moving along and it seemed like our world of chaos and giggling and fun would go on forever.

The point is that I never thought that time would end. There were moments when I would have killed, literally killed for a hot bath and a manicure. And now when I have the time for a man/pedi, I want someone to go with me.

I am desperately holding on to the time I have left because after all these years, the time is coming to an end.

In the book Insomnia by Stephen King, there is a death timer that the guy can hear that clicks away, ticking off the last moments of life. That is how I feel now.

Each moment, each event is one day closer to the day when I will have to let go of them all and let them go their own way.

I had a very hard time leaving D1 at college and then the next year I had a really hard time leaving D2 at college.

But we got used to it. We went from a large table of 6 to a small table of 4.

We went from laundry piling up all over the place to a few loads a week. We ate less, spent less at the Outback and enjoyed our new life as a small family.

And things were good for awhile.

The older girls came home now and then. We refinished the bedrooms and made one room a "guest room" where they could stay when they are "visiting". D1 came home last summer for awhile and for awhile this summer while she searched for a job after college.

And today... we moved her into a new apartment.

And she is gone. Gone from a long chapter in our life, on to the beginning of her new life. With so much hope and so much promise. Life for her begins today. She has set out on a journey of Newness.(not a word right? whatever.)

A new world. A new day. No day but today.

And although we will miss her in our own part of the world, I am pleasantly settled in my feelings of her starting her life. I am confident in her ability to adjust and settle in and I am grateful that she has found the most awesome roommate/friend/apartment finder in the world and that they will be sharing this experience together.

Letting go is hard. I helped her move in, we cleaned and shopped and hauled 22 years of stuff up 3 flights of stairs. And then it was time to go. I could have stayed forever.

I wanted to clean more so everything would be spotless, to cook something so they wouldnt starve and to lecture for hours on the dangers of two young girls loose in the city.

But it was time for me to go.

Figuritively and Literally.

Time to go, to let go.

And next year when D2 begins her new life I will let go again. And when D3 leaves for college in one year, more letting go.

And then in just 8 years I will be letting go for the last time. Letting go of my last daughter, letting go of motherhood and all the things that go with it.

I have spent quite some time complaining about my life. Complaining about my kids, my husband, my house, my homework, never my job, i love that.

But I loved it all. Every minute of this crazy ride.

There were many times I didnt think I could make it through and there are rare times when I didnt even want to.

Letting go is part of the ride. Part of the ride I always dreaded. Part of the ride I thought would never come.

But it is here.

And as my time as a mother is starting to end. letting go of one life I loved, trading it for the possibility of another life.

I cant imagine loving anything more than being a mother but until I became a mother I could never imagine life with my children.

The possibility of a new life is one I have to let in. The future is as uncertain to me today as it is to D1 on her first night in her new apartment.

But we are strong determined women and we will make it.

Life has changed and I have to change with it.

I am letting go today and letting in.

But I'm gonna miss this.

Cancer Schmancer Reblogged from a school assignment last summer

"You look like a cancer patient."

I say that every time my husband gets a haircut.

I used to say things like...

Oh dont think you are going to die and leave me with all these kids.

It may not sound funny to you.

In fact you may not think Cancer is funny at all.

But let me tell you something, for a few months in 1993, I had the funniest cancer jokes you would never hear.

I cant remember even one of them now but a few weeks ago when we thought the cancer may have come back... so did my comedy routine.

I am not sure what makes me funny when Cancer is around. I guess it is my way of saying Screw You Cancer. I am still laughing and you cant take that away.

I got married when I was 18. I had my first child at 19, my second at 20, my third at 25 and my fourth at 27.

The only reason I got to have a fourth child is because of Dr. Boland, the GOD of our world.

Dr. Boland saved my husbands life.

From a cancer that had only affected 8 people at the time.

It is called synovial sarcoma and it is very rare.

My husband, Patrick, was my high school sweetheart and is the love of my life.

I met him when I was 13, became friends with him at 15 and started dating him at 16.

He joined the Navy so we could have a better life and I couldnt wait until we could finally be together.

In bootcamp he hurt his hand doing drills with his gun.

The Navy doctors diagnosed him with everything from tendonitis to "it's all in your head" itis.

The pain got increasingly worse and he started to avoid using it.

At one point a doctor prescribed steroid shots and they injected his tumor with miracle grow.

Some Captain decided to operate because it was swelling up and he pulled out a fatty mass that they still claim wasnt cancer.

Captain Idiot operated on a Friday morning, went to his retirement ceremony that afternoon and left the Navy.

He never left any instructions for the hospital personnel so they never gave Patrick any pain medicine after the surgery.

When I got there to visit him after the surgery he was screaming in pain. The officers who were doctors, RN's and other nurses said "Stop screaming and address me as sir".

He was completely denied pain killers and the bandages were never changed because... it didnt say that in his papers.

So 2 weeks later when he went back for his follow up, he had gangrene in his hand.

He needed another surgery to fix the damage.

Only in the past few years have we discovered that this is what most likely caused the cancer.

The pain never went away and he stopped using his hand completely. He started to have back trouble because his whole left side was atrophied.

Another doctor thought he could fix it by operating again.

After surgery #3 we decided the medical care of the United States Navy wasnt for us.

He faked being well to stay in until he completed his four years.

He was given an Honorable Discharge from the United States Navy on March 5th 1989.

The pain in his hand got worse and worse until some days it was unbearable.

He sought medical care at Stony Brook University where without an X-ray or Cat Scan they began physical therapy and more injections into what we would soon find out was a tumor.

I was 9 months pregnant with my third child when we ran into our doctor at a Lamaze Class. He told Patrick to come and see him about the hand. He recommended him to a hand specialist who took one look at it and said this is scar tissue and we need to fix it.

My daughter was born June 7th 1993 and on July 14th my husband went into surgery for the fourth time.

I told him it was just so he didnt have to change any diapers and I thought it was a ridiculous plan to get away with that.

On July 15th, the doctor called me at home and said "Uh, Um, Uh, I dont know what this is".

I was so confused.

He said "Well we should test this just to be sure"

Test what I thought.

Like a tumor I said.

Yes.

Ok go ahead, I said.

I didnt really believe it could possibly be cancer because people do not have cancer for 9 years just laying dormant in his body. Cancer would have killed you by then, right?

Each time we visited the hand specialist we waited for the results, but these things take time they said.

One visit I was nursing Daughter 3 in the car before we went into the appointment.

Patrick said he would go in and wait for me there.

No no I said wait for me.

No we are late anyway I will just go in I will probably be done before you.

When Patrick arrived without me Dr. Liebowitz said "Where's Nancy?"

In the car.

Lets wait the doctor said.

No go ahead said Pat.

Dr. Liebowtz started to cry.

Wow that is never good.

By the time I walk in Dr. L is crying, Pat is as white as a ghost and I have no idea what is going on.

Dr. Liebowitz tells us the name of the cancer and we dont hear anything after that.

Synovial Sarcoma blah blah blah..

He tells us that if he or anyone in his family had cancer he would go straight to Sloan Kettering.

He picked up the phone in his office and called Sloan Kettering and we had an appointment in three days.

That is when we met Dr. Boland. He is a tall, white haired man with an Irish brogue.

He wanted to run his own tests but he thought Huntingon Hospital probably got it right.

This cancer is very tricky he said.

It lays dormant in your body for a long time.

Then it spreads, quickly.

We didnt know then if it had spread or if it was contained in his hand.

I wanted to know the worst case scenario but Pat and our dads werent so sure.

Lets wait, they all said.

No I want to know what to expect.

Dr. Boland said "Well we probably wont have to amputate the whole arm, most likely just the hand or up to the elbow"

I was shocked to find out that amputation was still being used as a way to treat anything.

What about chemo, radiation...

That doesnt work on this kind of cancer.

It has to be cut out.

He went for a million tests and scans.

All the news was good from the initial diagnosis.

The cancer hadnt spread, it was just wrapped up into his pointer and middle finger in his left hand.

He had surgery on August 17th 1993, getting out of changing diapers indefinitely at that point.

At the time of surgery they didnt know how much cancer was in there. If it is too far into his hand we will take the whole thing until we see a clear margin.

He ended up having two fingers and half of his left hand amputated.

He was an electrician and thankfully worked for an incredible company that allowed him to come back slowly and figure out how to wire neon signs without fingers.

It has been a struggle.

Synovial Sarcoma is a cancer that never stays away. In other cancers you feel somewhat safe at 10 years. This is when synovial sarcoma comes back.

He has gone to see our GOD Dr. Boland in Sloan Kettering first every 3 months, then every 6 months, now every year.

At last years visit, Dr. Boland said you know its been 15 years and I thought we could say goodbye to you but we just had someone have a recurrence after 15 years.

The survival rate of this cancer was .17 percent. It has gone up a little over the years but still...

I tease him all the time, is that just you?

Cancer has changed Patrick's life but it has changed our whole family.

Our fourth daughter knows she wouldnt be here without Dr. Boland.

I know this story is long and I am thankful to anyone who took the time to read it.

I could go on and on with so many stories but there is just one lesson I want to share.

Healing Lesson #1

Cancer has changed our lives. There was a time when getting stuck in line would freak me out and I would be so annoyed. I try now to always just be grateful for the moment. For the chance to spend time with the ones I love and know that they may not be here forever. Life is too short to worry about things that you cannot change.

When the cesspool backed up at 2:30pm on Christmas Eve, we laughed, called desperately until we found someone nice enough to come over. When our daughter, weeks after she passed her road test, backed one of our cars into the other in the driveway on her way out to get oreos and milk, I laughed. And when I stopped laughing I realized the real tragedy. "You arent going to get oreos now are you?"
Then I cried.

I cant teach anyone to appreciate life like I have learned to with the love of my life almost being taken from me. All I can tell you is that if you knew the person you loved would be gone tomorrow would you be so quick to yell that he didnt change the toilet paper roll or dragged mud in on his shoes?

There is always a chance his cancer could come back. He has two lumps in his arm right now that they are monitoring. Any day our lives could change and we could be back to spending our days at Sloan Kettering waiting for test results. We never know and that is why we make every moment count.

When we cut out of work early or spend our entire savings on a vacation, when we spend our last dollar on going to a movie or taking the kids for ice cream... I know this is the right thing to do because I am sure that if I found out tomorrow that I only had a week to live I would not wish that I spent more time at work or saved a dollar and missed out on making a memory, which may be all we have left after someone is taken without warning.

Here is picture of Patrick on our recent trip to Jamaica. You can see where his fingers were amputated. We went to celebrate, 25 years together and our oldest daughters graduation from college, our second daughters return from a semester in Spain, our third daughters Sweet 16 and our fourth daughters graduation from middle school. It's all good and even when our flight was delayed and they lost our luggage and it rained every day... we were together and no cancer could ever take that away.



If you are ever looking for a charity to support please donate to Sloan kettering. You can click on the link above to see their website. They saved my husbands life and they made the journey as painless as possible. They are truly wonderful people who run an amazing hospital.

Love at 16 Reblogged from 9/2009

It must be some sort of crazy coincidence that I never feel the urge to blog until I have a ton of homework to do.

I have clearly had the whole summer, even days where all the kids were gone and I was totally alone but did I blog? Ok maybe a little but this morning with Abnormal Psychology homework looming, I thought, hmm, I should blog.

I hated high school.
And everything about it, from the teachers to the cliques to the drama, the only thing I could say about high school is that I was soooo glad it was over and never looked back.

I got married 6 months after high school and while everyone was off going to college, drinking, partying, Hubby and I were in our first apartment living the newlywed life and loving every minute of it.

We found out we were pregnant in July 1986 as most of our friends were heading back to college for their sophomore year.

We were in such a different place(physically and mentally, we lived in Boston) than most people our age that we didnt really keep in touch with anyone from high school.We just had nothing in common. No one could understand why we wanted to be together instead of out running around playing the field.

Many many people criticized our choice and made sure we knew it was never going to last. They said we were young, didnt know what we wanted and when real life dealt us some blows we would see it would all fall to crap.

But instead we have built one of the most beautiful, pure, love relationships that I have ever seen even in the movies. We knew then that we loved each other and despite the failures of relationships like ours all around us we survived, not just survived, flourished.

Life has dealt us more than our share of blows. Things that could and normally would paralyze any couple until they just broke apart without any possibility of fixing it. but I have a theory and of course I know you are dying to hear my words of wisdom.

When you are 16, the age I was when I realized how much I loved Hubby and wanted to spend my life with him, people will say it isnt real and things change and you have to grow up first and I have to disagree based soley on my own exprerience but still...

When you are 16, life is just beginning. There is a whole possiblity of a future in whatever way you want it to go. You picture yourself either in a career, oh i want to be a doctor or finding the love of your life or whatever. The possiblities are endless and because of that you are free to pursue every feeling as it is, pure. You love, you hate, you get angry, you get sad, you laugh yourself into hysteria, they are real feelings.

Later as you get older you start hiding those things. Some emotions are socially unacceptable so you dont cry out or laugh too hard. You tear up or you stifle a laugh but you have already begun to hide yourself from the world therefore shielding yourself from the possibility of true, deep love.

When 16 year olds say I love you to each other as Hubby and I did when we were that age, we meant it with all of our hearts, we meant you make me feel so good about myself and I want that to continue. When we were 19 and found out I was pregnant and said I love you it was different but it meant we are a family now, we are growing our love. At 27 when Hubby had cancer and didnt know if he would survive and we said I love you, we meant I have loved you for a long time and I want to love you some more,please dont leave me.

And after all the years of I love you's, the rest of our beautiful childrens births and proud moments, our anniversaries, our illnesses, our pain and suffering through trauma after trauma, of course it means something different now. How could it not? After all the things we have experienced together, we know each other better than anyone else.

At 16 I couldnt have known that he would get me lobster at 2am if I needed it. I couldnt have forseen the look in his eyes when each daughter was born. I couldnt predict the pain we have gone through in the loss of some extremely special people in our lives. All I knew is that he made me feel special and I loved him for that.

I still believe that it doesnt matter how old you are when you find the true love of your life and they love you back you should go for it.

Hubby and I went to his 25th high school reunion a few weeks ago although it caused me to have an unbelievable panic attack right before we went in. Hubby was so excited to go, because unlike me, he loved high school and was anxious to see everyone after 25 years. I made some last minute pleas in the parking lot and he said we didnt have to go if I really didnt want to.

I knew how much he wanted to go though so I begrudgingly walked into what I thought would be a night of total hell. "who are you?" "No i dont remember you from high school" Brings me right back to senior year when hubby left for the navy and i had no friends.

Anyway...we actually had a great time and saw some people that were interesting and fun.

So it was with a little bit of anxiety that yesterday I agreed to meet the Girls of 84 for lunch. Of course you know I am way younger than them, I graduated in 85, but all my friends and various boyfriends were from the class of 84.

There were about 13 of us, all from different groups and cliques. And we had a blast. Some of the people I didnt know too well in high school I was happy to talk to and get to know a little better. It was fun and funny and it was just what I needed to see that although I thought everyone was having a great time in high school that wasnt always the case.

Each of us has gone through something, be it death, sickness or divorce. High school wasnt the party everyone says its supposed to be for a lot of people.

As time goes on and you hear the stories you wonder why you didnt know back then that other people felt the same way as you, why you thought you were the only one.
High school is a moment in time. When you are 16 unfortunately it is your biggest moment in time and therefore you have no reason to believe that things will change.

But let me tell you, they will. Life will continue to change and you will make a decision to change with it or remain stagnant.

Hubby and I changed together, with each others support, with love and caring, we wanted that and we made it work.

Any idiot can sit and chair and talk about change and possibilities but unless you are working on that each and every day you are going to find yourself stuck in a moment, that you cant get out of.(ok so i stole that line from Bono, but it worked here)

You can be that person that goes to their high school reunion with the flock of seagulls haircut and the jordache jeans talking about the last football game of the 83-84 season or you can be you but a little more developed, a little more interesting and with a lot more I love you's under your belt.

Its your choice, make it however you want and run with it.

Reposted from last year

I wrote this one year when I was dropping D3 at the Long Island High School for The Arts Prom. I just found it as we were cleaning out the basement. She just returned from a Theater Program where she met people even more like herself and the answer is yes there are more of them.



It's a group of freaks I leave her with. And I guess I mean freaks in the sense that they dont fit into the horrible social click of a world they call high school.

When I was young wer were still buying into high school being the best years of your life. We've gotten over that false picture someone put in our heads. No one even implies the years of social agony you endure while attempting to get an education can some somehow be classified as the best.

Freaks, I guess they are classified as, or a step further, drama freaks. They love to sing and act and play , they will burst into song, beautiful incredible music that escapes from their souls that they bear to the world often.

And get stepped on even more.

They are real, so real in fact people dont know what to do with them.They're labeled, like jocks, or cheerleaders but with a label that says you're not worth my time.

But Oh they are. I recently had the opportunity to attend a cabaret performance that made my eyes water and my heart ache. Their music touched my soul. Their confidence on their terms, in their space made me so proud of them and for them.

I spent that night with my daughter and her friend. They were real to each other and to others in their freak world.

I believed for one second that their is hope. That somehow in this whole world they found each other.

Are there more of them out there? I hope so.

These are people no one takes the time to know because it's a little harder. They are socially awkward, sometimes seeming so young, sometimes older beyond their years.

I feel more comfortable leaving my daugher with these freaks. They tell her she's a beautiful person, they honor her uniqueness, they cultivate her friendship, they learn from her and they teach her because they are real.

Real people who are interesting and smart and fun and talented, oh so talented.

Life for them speaks in music, not words.

And their song is always in their hearts.

Been Too Long Coming

What a long strange ride it has been....

I have been wanting to blog for months, years perhaps but life has been getting in the way.

I am back!! With a vengeance.

And nothing is off limits this time.... watch out world, here I come.

Right after I go have breakfast.

hahahaha be back soon.

Last Years New Years Blog January 2009

That time of the year has come when we need to reflect on the past year. Laugh at how poorly we followed last years resolutions and make preposterous new ones that we will quit by sometime in February. I for one think the mania should stop.

Somewhere somehow all of these holidays that we now celebrate had meaning. They had spiritual meaning and community meaning.

Now just Hallmark meaning.

Even New Years. The diet books, the health clubs, the laser hair removal... all they want is our money.

Its a fresh new year and its a life marking. Another year has gone by and what have you done to make yourself a better person? What have you done to make someone elses life better? Can you look at the last year and say that you have grown (and not just in the waist)?

In my head I started this blog like this...


I wish I was 16 again...

I have a lot of reasons and I will continue with that thought in a minute, but this past year has been hugely successful for me on my terms. Last year before I turned 40{which is how I mark my time... in decades, the 80's being my favorite of course)I made a list and for the most part I think I accomplished most of the list give our take my own spin on them.

Here is the list:
Put all my pictures in photo albums
Go back to school
Pay off half of my debt
Lost 20 lbs.

So D1 spent months over that summer of 2007 putting my pictures into albums. I started school in 2007 and I have about a year a half left until I complete my Bachelors of Science in Biology and Human Services. I have accumulated more debt BUT...I am working on a budget now and it seems to be working. And I lost 23 lbs. (Yeah so I gained it back, there is nothing in there about keeping it off)

I feel like this year has been truly a good one, no one died, no one fell off a mountain and only one person I know got cancer and he seems to be doing well. That is how I measure my world. By tragedy. No big ones this year. Great News.

We safely avoided a major disaster with you know who almost becoming the you know what....

(sarah palin becoming VP)Whew that was too close for me.

I know some people will say that the economy crashing was not a good thing, but I think it really only affects people who had money to invest, no one who has all their money (12 dollars) hidden in a cracker box in their pantry.

Back to my reasons for wanting to be 16 again...

Although its a new year and I feel good about everything I have done this past year, the things I have to look forward to in the New Year are well, kinda boring. I dont mean boring in the sense they are meaningless or stagnant, I mean they are just not things that excite ME.

When my dog died in 2003, I tried to explain in therapy why that was so crushing. Besides losing one of my favorite children, (she never talked back or stayed out until 430 in the morning) it was the end of an era.

No more family of 6 with the perfect dog and the white house with the fence. No. It was gone. The life I loved was gone. I had opened the store and I was working 90 hours a week. The kids were growing up and moving on. My therapist tried to say that there would be new good things but honestly I dont see that.

Sure I look forward to the days when Hubby and I have some free time and we can travel and eat filet mignon because who cares when you only have 2 people to feed. I may even give Clover a piece(my new very bad dog).

And I am happy to say that Hubby and I do still enjoy time together. I am not looking forward saying Oh no what are we going to talk about when the kids are gone. Its not that at all.

I just have loved my life for the past 25 years.

I was 16 when hubby and I started dating. It was all new and everything we did was special because it was the first time. First date, first meeting the family, first holidays. We got married at 18, had D1 at 19, D2 at 20, D3 at 25 and D4 at 27. We bought our first house when we were 22 and 23. Then we bought the house we live in now when we were 26 and 28. We watched our kids go to school. I was a girl scout leader, class mom, pto member... all these things are things I loved to do.

Some of the kids still talk about the potato latkes that I made every year for each kids class. (you gotta spread the judaism where you can here)And our girl scout camping trips that blew all the other troops away.(yes I do recognize that this probably isnt the essence of girl scouting but man we kicked ass as a troop)

I loved being a mom. I still do but as my kids need me less and less, I feel slightly out of the loop. I am a pain in the neck when I want to know something I think my kids wont tell me. I am overinvolved, oversharing, obsessive compulsive and I just cant help it.

I spent years knowing their every move. Hubby and I were the sole influence in their lives until they went to school and then of course we taught them to secretly judge and stay away from the undesirable bad kids.

"Oh isnt that sad that that girls parents let her wear makeup in elementary school, they must not care about her, I love you too much to ever let you look that trashy"
and on and on.

In a million years I would not want to go back to high school. I did not have any good friends and the person I was is not the person I would ever want to be again.

But once I met hubby and he and I began the path to our life together, it has been full of... well its been full of life. We have lived.

And I know it is so easy to look back and see only the good things and gloss over the bad but I dont think thats true. I see the bad and believe me some of it was really bad. Some of it was probably the worst things I could ever have gone through in my life. I hope to never see some of the things that have happened to this family ever again.

But I know there are other things that I will never see again and that makes me so sad.

I am over 40 now. Halfway to death. On the back side. Everything i do now has to count in double time because its going quick.

I want to make resolutions, not for some personal fitness place to make money or a diet program to sell me cardboard food.

I'm Giving Up My Vices
I'm Going Back - Back To School
Eviction Or Not
This Week's Been So Hot
That Long As I've Got You
I Know I'll Be Cool


The plan I want to make is to become a better me by this time next year. I want to experience things that make me glad to be alive. I want to see my kids enjoy their life and not feel regret for the things I wish I did when I was their age, but never quite got around to it. I have to back off. They are moving forward like I did when I was their age, with a bright fresh look at whats to come and the endless possibilites that only growing up offers.

I am all grown up now. No more neverland for me. I have to head in the direction of adulthood for real. but maybe just maybe I can keep some of that childs spirit alive, maybe that is what keeps you younger longer. Maybe I can watch how they do it and put my own little backwards spin on it. Maybe you can too...

Tag your it!!!

The Beginning or The End?

Well another year has come and gone. I started this new blog a few months ago and neglected it as much as I did the last one.

The reason?

There are many.

First of all I am just not funny anymore.
I went through a really funny stage but its gone.

The reason its gone?

I am miserable, that is why.
The only two things that make me happy anymore are sleeping and eating.

Perhaps that is why I have gained about 30 lbs this year and have been sleeping on the couch to avoid hubby's snoring.

On the whole I have to say this year sucked.

The reasons?

Financially... we lost our lawsuit against the guy who stole our business. How? Exactly! just proof that scammers always win and honest people lose everything.

Medically... the entire year, every month was filled with some sort of ridiculous health crisis. D4s back,knee,ankle,D3s eye, blood sugar,Hubbys heart and my car accident and various other things. we were in the doctors office this year almost more than the year hubby had cancer.

Medical issues resulted in more financial issues...more doctors bills, more prescriptions, physical therapy bills, the list is endless.

Emotionally... we lost a very dear person in our lives this year to cancer. She was only 27 and suffered for a long time. The pain for the family has been endless and we have all grieved in our own private way. The sadness has been crushing.

The house and the cars are falling apart. Literally everything we own is tired and cranky. The cesspool caved in, 1000 dollars for that, the chimney is collapsing and we dont even have the money to do that. Hubbys car has no heat and mine is making some weird burning smell.

Every cabinet in the kitchen is falling apart. The bedroom doors dont close, the toilets run, rodents run amok whenever they feel like it. The carpets are stained and ripping and the floors are cracking.

2010...I know at the beginning of every new year there is cause for hope. The chance to start fresh and leave behind all the old baggage of the past year.

There were some very special moments of 2009.

D1 graduated college. It was so exciting to see that. And she moved out into her own apartment in Queens, has a fabulous job with some great friends and a lot to look forward to.

D2 was in Spain for the Spring semester. She visited a million places and saw everything there was to see.

D3 went to camp for a month over the summer and met some of her very favorite people. She is celebrating the New year with them now.

D4 started high school and has excelled at so many things including art and biology.

My children are all beautiful people on the inside and out. I am proud that I have been part of the journey with them that has allowed them to become the people they are today.

Exactly what I wrote about last year... being bored... not seeing anything exciting in my future... that has been amplified a million times.

I will finish school in May. A dream I have hoping to accomplish for a long time. And I feel nothing about it.

My second daughter will graduate college and start her new life and I will be so proud of her but it is her accomplishment, I am just a bystander.

D3 will go off to college this year and the only kid I have that talks to me about everything under the sun will be gone. I am over involved in her life because she lets me and because I am so freaking bored of everything, its like watching a teenage soap opera. And its interesting at least.

D4 has so many things to look forward to and I look forward to some time to spend with her but she is not a sharer. Talking to her is like pulling teeth and eating dinner with her and hubby, I might as well be talking to myself.

Things have changed so drastically in our marriage, it is terrifying. There has been a shift and while I was trying hard to take care of everyone else I wasnt paying attention. And there is damage, serious damage that needs a lot of work, sort of like this house. And like this house project, I dont know if I have all the resources to mend this relationship either.

I woke up on New Years Day, not with hopes for the future but just regrets of the past.
I dont see this year being any easier or exciting than last year for me.
I woke up unhappy and I will go to bed tonight unhappy, its just been the way it is for awhile now.

I dont blog anymore because I have nothing to say. Nothing important, nothing exciting. I used to love to write because it made me feel better. I never wrote the blog for any other reason than to collect the stories for my kids to read later, but the memories are fading and it is getting harder and harder to pull them back up.

The saddest part is that when people are unhappy, the thing I always tell them is change something in your life. One thing, even if it is stupid. Change something as small as your haircut or the color of your hair or something big like your job or your significant other.

And I cannot even take my own advice because I am stuck. Stuck in a rut that I cannot get out of.

I want to change. I want to make resolutions and stick with them.I want to be a happy person again with dreams and things to look forward to.

I will try.
Here is my list of how I will try to be happier for 2010.

1. I will lose weight because I am most unhappy with how I look.
2. I will get healthier because I cannot breathe when I walk up a flight of stairs.
3. I will finish school, decide on a career change and work towards that, even if it takes another 3 years of school.
4. I will try to pay off some debt.I will try to stop spending money on eating out and luxury food and make do with what we have.
5. I will try to socialize more with friends I have reconnected with this year and rekindle some long lost relationships with people I really enjoy.

for now that is all I can manage in my own head. I cannot fix the kids or hubby, right now I have to just worry about myself. And hopefully by this time next year I will have a handle on all the things that are falling to pieces. Maybe 2010 will be my year to change.



“If you think back, and replay your year - if it doesn’t bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted.”
Peter MacNicol, Ally McBeal