The Beginning or The End?

Well another year has come and gone. I started this new blog a few months ago and neglected it as much as I did the last one.

The reason?

There are many.

First of all I am just not funny anymore.
I went through a really funny stage but its gone.

The reason its gone?

I am miserable, that is why.
The only two things that make me happy anymore are sleeping and eating.

Perhaps that is why I have gained about 30 lbs this year and have been sleeping on the couch to avoid hubby's snoring.

On the whole I have to say this year sucked.

The reasons?

Financially... we lost our lawsuit against the guy who stole our business. How? Exactly! just proof that scammers always win and honest people lose everything.

Medically... the entire year, every month was filled with some sort of ridiculous health crisis. D4s back,knee,ankle,D3s eye, blood sugar,Hubbys heart and my car accident and various other things. we were in the doctors office this year almost more than the year hubby had cancer.

Medical issues resulted in more financial issues...more doctors bills, more prescriptions, physical therapy bills, the list is endless.

Emotionally... we lost a very dear person in our lives this year to cancer. She was only 27 and suffered for a long time. The pain for the family has been endless and we have all grieved in our own private way. The sadness has been crushing.

The house and the cars are falling apart. Literally everything we own is tired and cranky. The cesspool caved in, 1000 dollars for that, the chimney is collapsing and we dont even have the money to do that. Hubbys car has no heat and mine is making some weird burning smell.

Every cabinet in the kitchen is falling apart. The bedroom doors dont close, the toilets run, rodents run amok whenever they feel like it. The carpets are stained and ripping and the floors are cracking.

2010...I know at the beginning of every new year there is cause for hope. The chance to start fresh and leave behind all the old baggage of the past year.

There were some very special moments of 2009.

D1 graduated college. It was so exciting to see that. And she moved out into her own apartment in Queens, has a fabulous job with some great friends and a lot to look forward to.

D2 was in Spain for the Spring semester. She visited a million places and saw everything there was to see.

D3 went to camp for a month over the summer and met some of her very favorite people. She is celebrating the New year with them now.

D4 started high school and has excelled at so many things including art and biology.

My children are all beautiful people on the inside and out. I am proud that I have been part of the journey with them that has allowed them to become the people they are today.

Exactly what I wrote about last year... being bored... not seeing anything exciting in my future... that has been amplified a million times.

I will finish school in May. A dream I have hoping to accomplish for a long time. And I feel nothing about it.

My second daughter will graduate college and start her new life and I will be so proud of her but it is her accomplishment, I am just a bystander.

D3 will go off to college this year and the only kid I have that talks to me about everything under the sun will be gone. I am over involved in her life because she lets me and because I am so freaking bored of everything, its like watching a teenage soap opera. And its interesting at least.

D4 has so many things to look forward to and I look forward to some time to spend with her but she is not a sharer. Talking to her is like pulling teeth and eating dinner with her and hubby, I might as well be talking to myself.

Things have changed so drastically in our marriage, it is terrifying. There has been a shift and while I was trying hard to take care of everyone else I wasnt paying attention. And there is damage, serious damage that needs a lot of work, sort of like this house. And like this house project, I dont know if I have all the resources to mend this relationship either.

I woke up on New Years Day, not with hopes for the future but just regrets of the past.
I dont see this year being any easier or exciting than last year for me.
I woke up unhappy and I will go to bed tonight unhappy, its just been the way it is for awhile now.

I dont blog anymore because I have nothing to say. Nothing important, nothing exciting. I used to love to write because it made me feel better. I never wrote the blog for any other reason than to collect the stories for my kids to read later, but the memories are fading and it is getting harder and harder to pull them back up.

The saddest part is that when people are unhappy, the thing I always tell them is change something in your life. One thing, even if it is stupid. Change something as small as your haircut or the color of your hair or something big like your job or your significant other.

And I cannot even take my own advice because I am stuck. Stuck in a rut that I cannot get out of.

I want to change. I want to make resolutions and stick with them.I want to be a happy person again with dreams and things to look forward to.

I will try.
Here is my list of how I will try to be happier for 2010.

1. I will lose weight because I am most unhappy with how I look.
2. I will get healthier because I cannot breathe when I walk up a flight of stairs.
3. I will finish school, decide on a career change and work towards that, even if it takes another 3 years of school.
4. I will try to pay off some debt.I will try to stop spending money on eating out and luxury food and make do with what we have.
5. I will try to socialize more with friends I have reconnected with this year and rekindle some long lost relationships with people I really enjoy.

for now that is all I can manage in my own head. I cannot fix the kids or hubby, right now I have to just worry about myself. And hopefully by this time next year I will have a handle on all the things that are falling to pieces. Maybe 2010 will be my year to change.



“If you think back, and replay your year - if it doesn’t bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted.”
Peter MacNicol, Ally McBeal